By The Time You Read This, I’ll Be Dead by Julie Anne Peters
**I read the eBook version since I still cannot find a copy of my own adnd I really wanted to read it already.
“Your failures and your faults, they stick with you. They glob into ugly, cancerous growths inside you and make you want to die.”
I know how it feels. That haunting feeling that nothing is worth living, that everything you do is wrong and that no one every cared, of that desperate desire to leave it all and be done with. Most people would tell us to suck it up and live with ourselves and fight our own demons, but it isn’t really that simple.
Reading this book was like taking a trip down the darkest alleys of my memory lane. I don’t know how it is for others, but I have been one to consider “ending it all” as a permanent solution for every struggle I had to face. Yes, we all have our dark sides and sometimes, it grows bigger that we are swallowed whole. Anyway, this isn’t about me.
So, suicide. That’s the main theme here. Daelyn is already at the point of her life where nothing or no one could ever pull her back. She was already decided of what she will do. She already put up strong walls around her, shutting down everyone around. She was all set and her deadline is coming fast. After a few failed attempts, now, for sure, she is ready. No more looking back.
And then that’s when Santana entered the picture. With a seemingly devil-may-care kind of attitude he slowly creep into Daelyn’s life. Though everyone knows that Daelyn is unreachable, he tried in small and simple ways to tear down her walls. Though he doesn’t have a clue on what Daelyn was planning to do, he believed that something in her that was worth knowing (and unknown to him, saving). No matter how much Daelyn push him away, he would not budge the least bit. Even when he has to fight a battle of his own, that never hindered him from showing Daelyn that life is still worth living.
There’s also Emily. She is, personally, my favorite character. She was an outcast like Daelyn. But I think she really played an important part in the story. When you’ve lost all hope n humanity and think that everyone is the same, you will be surprised by that one person who would negate all your belief and be the proof of a silver lining. That was what Emily was for Daelyn. Though she did not say much, I think Daelyn saw herself in Emily and in a way wanted to protect her the way she was not able to do for herself.
And I guess that was what I really liked about the story. I never really had a Santana or Emily of my own. No one was there to pull me back. I had to do it on my own. I guess I marveled at the idea that there are still people out there who sees the darkness inside others and are willing to help them no matter what.
I also enjoyed the book because it tells us so much of the struggles people had to endure because of the bullies. Bullies are not just found in school. They are out there everywhere. They are the ones who let us believe that nothing good will ever happen to us, they are the dark forces that pull us down. It’s easy to advise and tell victims to just ignore them but in reality, the verbal and physical torture are not something you can just forget. It stays with us. The fear and shame eat us from within. And forcing someone to face these challenges would only make it worse.
Sometimes, all we need is someone to listen and understand. Because honestly, not everyone is strong enough to fight back. Yes, there are other who could turn their back from these kind of sick people and go on with their lives but we still have to consider that there are also those who are weaker in spirit. What applies to one doesn’t always apply to all. We are not all the same, and that’s the truth. This is not a cry for attention.
This book also show us the truth that even our families contribute to the pain and suffering we have to endure. Yes, they might mean well in trying to change us and make us better, but sometimes they just inflict more damage. Most people who commit suicide surprises their parents. They think that these victims are fine and alright, living a happy life until the day they find them gone. I guess that’s just it. It’s very easy to see the fake facade but very difficult to unearth the real weakness inside.
This book is very raw and honest. It takes readers into the mind of someone very hopeless and let us peak into her painful thoughts and experience her tragedies. I love it and I give i a 4/5.