Book geek dilemma #3: That mind-boggling moment when you can’t choose which book to read next because everything on your shelves seems to be good and interesting.

L. O. V. E. ?

At this point in my life, I’m wondering whether I want to be in a relationship because I want to experience love or because I am too engrossed with the idea of being in love. I don’t know if I really want to be involved with someone in an intimate way. Maybe it’s just because my mind is so full of romantic stories from what I have watched in movies or from what I’ve read in books and novels. I have only been in one serious relationship before and that was a long time ago, when I was still in high school. I get times when I want to get close to someone. But then I don’t know if it’s really enough to consider it as a start of a relationship or I just long and crave for company because I’m lonely. When I see couples, I do tend to wonder when I’ll find myself a guy who would be there for me. I’m so confused. Is it really because I want to fall in love again, or is it because I am pressured by what I see around me? Maybe I’m just infatuated with the thought of being loved and all that crap I hear about it. I don’t know. I really don’t know.

Doesn’t everybody just hate mixed signals?

If you want to tell me something, go do it. I hate being confused and not knowing what to believe. If you like me, tell me. If you don’t, then stop messing with my head. If you want to be more than friends, then prove it to me, show me. Stop hinting about it. I am not psychic, I don’t read minds and I can’t possibly know what you really want. I don’t have the time to play games. No one wants to be lead on, only to find in the end that there’s really nothing to hope for. It sucks, okay?

There’s nothing more frightening and confusing than becoming a stranger to one’s self.

We know each other. And that is it.

I like you. I think I really do. Problem is, I have no idea what to do. It’s not as if we’re close or anything. You know that I exist and I know you, too. But that’s just it. Acquaintances, nothing more. Do I have any chance of being something more with you? It’s already starting to bother me how I am being attracted to you. But then, I don’t have any idea whatsoever about what you like, what you think or whatever else there is in your life. Will I ever see me as someone more than the friend of your friend? I really am so clueless here. I don’t know what to do. And this is getting worse that I had expected.

Should I start to be bothered that I enjoy watching gay porn? Is it bad? Oh God, I don’t know.

What, exactly, can I do?

Ever felt like you’re too tired of how you’re living your life? Like, everything feels so useless and you just want it to change? Well, I do. Everyone thinks that I am the strong one., the bravest. My parents think that I am the trust-worthy daughter. My sister believes that I am a good role model. I am also the hardworking scholar, the best friend who’ll always be there, the caring and jolly classmate, all that to the eyes of the people around me. What if I don’t want to be that kind of person anymore? What if I want to get away and just do things the way I want without thinking about what they’re going to say or who I’m going to disappoint? The truth is, I’m really scared. I’m afraid that I’ll forever be what they expect me to be and that I won’t have the chance to handle my life and set things the way I want. I don’t want to hurt anybody or disappoint them, either. It’s just that I really want to be myself. I want simple things in life, be carefree and go on without worrying too much. I want to fail at things just so I know how it feels. I want to take risks and try out other things. But all of those seems too impossible when I think of people who matters to me. I just can’t. That’s just it. They are the reason why I am held back and I honestly don’t know what to do.