Stop for a while, and smile.

When I was little girl, my mom would always tell me to smile. Smile big and wide and show it to everyone. Back then, I would always obey because to me, it was an easy thing to do. It’s like the most natural thing to do when you’re a kid. I would pass by a friend, a relative, even a stranger, and I would just flash a huge grin at them. It wasn’t much of a big deal. And these people would always smile back. Of course, that’s what they always do since I’m just a little kid. 

But then as I grow old and learn more about things, I stopped smiling so much. I do just go about and beam at random strangers that I meet. And my mom wouldn’t complain. It was safer to just look down and ignore people as I walk to wherever it is I’m headed to. Also, I don’t have much reasons to smile. I smile at the camera, yes I do. I smile, even laugh, when I’m having fun with my friends. But to smile most of the time, that I don’t do. It’s not that I can’t, it’s just that I find it hard to keep a happy face plastered in my face. I’m not that kid anymore. I have other, more potent emotions that well up inside me, causing the smile to be wiped of my face. 

And that’s when I realize that I’ve been sad. Not grieving, depressed, suicidal sad. Just sad. It’s now that I grasp how seldom I let myself smile and just forget about things that make me miserable. I think to much negative thoughts and fail to see what’s good. I get so lost in my problems that I cannot spare myself a chance to be truly elated. And now, more than ever, I hope to be that once smiling kid, always ready to give a huge happy face at any time. To have that easy grin and light-hearted character. So for now, I will try to smile. I will try.

You say I’m always happy, and that I’m good at what I do, but what you’ll never realize is, I’m a damn good actress too.

Longing.

Sometimes you take one look at another person’s family, perhaps your friend’s, and then you can’t help but envy them and just wish you can have the same. To be able to have dinner together, talk about just everything. You know, be complete and happy together. Because in the back of your head, you realize that it is what you always wanted to have, what you hope to happen to your own home. But that’s just it, it will never happen to you. It was not meant for you to have. 

Sometimes, I wish for someone to just take my hand, grip it tight, look into my eyes and tell me everything is going to be alright because he/she will be there for me no matter what.

But the sad part is, I never get to have my wish come true..

I just can’t help my tears.

I have watched Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 for the 3rd time today. I know it’s stupid because I already know what will happen and what to expect, yet I cried my eyes out during the part when Fred and Snape died and when Harry watched Snape’s memory unravel. My friends are already teasing me, saying that I’m such a cry baby and that by now, I should not be affected anymore but I don’t care. It’s really emotional for me. Even when I read the book over and over, I still manage to squeeze out a tear or two at those parts. Snape’s death was very tragic. He did not deserve to die after all that he had done. Imagine giving all your life to the child of the woman you love and the man you very much hated. That would have felt very confusing and difficult trying to protect someone who very much looked like your greatest rival but someone very special to the woman you love. As for Fred’s death, it took me quite a while before I can accept it. I really loved the Weasley twins and I can’t imagine just one of them. They are supposed to be together no matter what but in the end, one must go. I just let my tears fell as I watch those scenes. I keep re-watching the movies for I can’t still fully grasp that it will be the last. I know I should accept the fact that a story must end somehow, but it’s difficult when you’ve become attached and very much used to something as great as the Harry Potter series. It was ten fruitful years of magic, love, imagination, friendship and life. It’s such a big part of my life that it’s not so easy to let go of. I don’t know if this would be the last time I will watch the last movie, but I know in my heart that no matter how many more times I will re-watch it, I will still manage to pour some tears over and over.