Just a tiny bit of Doctor Who contemplation.

Re-watching the finale of the 4th season of Doctor Who, Journey’s End, and I sort off got creeped out. The prophecy of Dalek Caan says that the Doctor’s most faithful companion will die. Now, I know that this companion was supposed to be Donna Noble but looking back, I think the prophecy was real somehow.

You might be wondering what the hell I’m talking about, that maybe I’ve gone bonkers. But see, three years later, Elisabeth Sladen aka Sarah Jane Smith—one of the Doctor’s faithful companion—died of cancer. Well yes, I know that it couldn’t have been connected and that it was just a TV show but you’ve got to admit, it’s somehow weird. Maybe it’s just a very strange coincidence or maybe I’m just thinking about it way too much or maybe I’m crazy. But damn, Doctor Who sure is ruining my life. It’s getting so deep inside my head! Gaaaaah. But what can I do? It’s just so fucking good to let go.    

The universe has to move forward. Pain and loss—they define us as much as happiness or love. Whether it’s the world or relationship, everything has its time and everything ends.

—Sarah Jane Smith (Doctor Who S02E03 School Reunion)

***

This is probably one of the most beautiful lines I’ve ever heard from Doctor Who. Yes, it seems to be a bit gloomy but hey, it’s true. No matter how much we try to deny it, everything must come to an end. Plants wither, people die, things change, memories are forgotten—all of these are inevitable. Because it is the only way to go forth and evolve. Nothing good will happen to mankind if all of us remain stuck at where we are, in our lives, right now. Eventually, we would get tired of all the things around us that it would be the main reason for our destruction. Change might be painful and unacceptable, but it’s the only way we survive the passing of time.

Sorry, it’s happening again. I’m thinking too much. Sometimes, I get so lost in my head when watching shows or reading books. I am wandering off inside my own mind, again.

“You should be grateful, other people have it so much worse that you do.”

Of all the advice and soothing words, this is the last thing that I would want to hear from anyone. For me, it is the most selfish and most insensitive consolation someone could give to another person. If someone is already being eaten up by their problems, this is not a good way to help relieve the burden. It’s like telling someone to ignore the dagger stabbing at his/her heart just because someone else has a great big sword stuck on theirs. A small dagger or a giant sword, either way, both would cause immediate death. It’s the same with problems. No matter how small or shallow our problems are compared to others, it doesn’t change the fact that this problem is bothering us and affecting us negatively. It will be there and won’t go away. So I really think that it’s useless to say the words above to anyone at all. It would probably better if you try to hear out and understand the reason for the person’s agitation rather than asking them to dismiss whatever feelings they have.

I’m fascinated, rather than afraid, of death.

Don’t get me wrong, I will not kill myself today. But I am not afraid to die, either. It’s just that I have been intrigued a lot with the idea of death. Is there really an afterlife? Is there really heaven or hell like what most people believe? Or is everything we know of death not true? I mean, what if when we die, that’s all there is. Nothing more. We just crumble to dust and don’t have anything else. What if the concept of soul and body isn’t true? What will happen next? No more feeling, no mind of our own, everything stripped away as our bodies decay. I just have this strong feeling that no matter what we believe in, at the end there nothing else. Sometimes, I am excited to know what will happen to me when I die. I don’t want to die just yet but I am overly curious on what happens to people after their life on earth. I really want to know the truth. But then I also know that it is impossible for me to die and tell everyone about what’s next after that. Jeez, I am so freakishly weird like this.

Aside from books, I also love collecting different post-it notes. I know that I don’t need all of them, but I can’t stop myself from buying one especially when I see a cute and adorable little piece. I usually use them on my planner but most of them are still untouched. Some are found on the first page of my books, containing meaningful quotes from the said book. Some of them are still in their original packaging, unopened. 

I don’t know why, but I like the thought of having plenty of blank papers with me. Its unmarred surface brimming with possibilities and the potential of words, yet to be written. It’s like I have every chance in the world to fill it out with my endless musings and reverie. You might say, why not keep a journal? I used to, but then I only write fragments of thoughts, significant lines and the likes. I don’t write down every little thing about my daily adventures. So, I content myself with these little pieces, which I keep in my planner.

No matter how ironic it sounds, change is permanent.

People change. It’s inevitable, inescapable. It is the only evidence of progress. No matter how hard we try to prevent and stop it from coming, eventually it will. Change is the outcome of us moving forward and going on with life. It’s the only real evidence to the passing of time. It’s a crucial part of learning. No one can ever experience the true essence of life if they’re going to be stuck at that same phase of their existence. Some say it’s their downfalls and failure that change them, some say it’s a choice, a decision to become happier in life, some do it for to get away from their past. But no matter, it’s there. Change is the only sure thing that prevails through time.

Family issues.

I usually post about how much I miss being at home since I spend weeks at my dorm without going home during weekends. But now that I am here, at my own house, I secretly wish that I could go back and spend my time at my dorm. Why? Because I am so uncomfortable with the atmosphere here. Everyone’s fighting and bickering. And then the problems. Every morning I wake up to the voice of my mom talking to my uncle or my aunt about their financial problems. I know that it is a must to help your relatives in times of need, but I just think it’s too much. They always turn to my mom as if she’s someone who shits money anytime she wants to. I can see the stress it gives her. And to think that she just got out of the hospital after a week-long suffering due to cervical disc problems. And that week she spent in the hospital isn’t cheap. Although my mom didn’t want me to know, I saw the bills. It was about 120,000 pesos. That was so costly. And what, they still expect my mom to give them money to pay for their own bills? I am not being selfish here. I am just stating the fact that we aren’t that rich. We just have enough. And sometimes, I get so mad because I don’t get why my relatives aren’t looking for their own jobs. What, do they think that my mom can sustain their needs forever? I think it’s so unfair. My mom is working hard not only for our family but also for two more. Maybe that’s the reason why she’s so stress and prone to such illness. I pity her so, but I do not know how to help. 

I don’t know. I just don’t feel good whenever I’m here. It’s like being in a hole of desperation and negative emotions. I just want to get away.

Watched The Hunger Games a while ago.

Of course, it will never be as good as the book.

I think that it’s an unwritten law. I call it the Law of Book to Movie Adaptation.

But I like Haymitch and Effie’s petty quarrels.

And of course, the interview dress.

Though I must say, I was very disappointed with their chariot entrance.

The flames on their outfits were just so.. awkwardly FAKE.

So, so very far from what I had imagined and expected. I mean, with their advanced CGI technical stuff and all that.

Oh but let us not forget the Gamemakers. Their scenes were so awesome and cool.

Another complain: I barely had a glimpse of the other tributes. 

What was with all that Glato or Climmer flirting?

And the mutts. They look like insanely large pitbulls or bulldogs.

Oh well, at least Seneca made up for it. I AM SO TEAM SENECA.

And uhm, where was the heart-breaking, tear-jerking moment when Peeta realized that it was all an act? I was so waiting for that. :|

I guess that it was a pretty good movie for me. Not as good as Harry Potter, but good enough for my taste. 

And in time, you start to question whether the choices you’ve made were worth it and kept you happy.

Don’t we, even for once, wish to have the power to stop time and freeze that one moment we so cherish? To stay in that blissful minute, just to savor each second? But no matter what we do, the clock will always tick, moving on second by second, leaving the past to memory.

I will always be a child.

“When we are children we seldom think of the future. This innocence leaves us free to enjoy ourselves as few adults can. The day we fret about the future is the day we leave our childhood behind.”

-Patrick Rothfuss (The Name of the Wind)

“Fairy tales had been her first experience of the magical universe, and more than once she had wondered why people ended up distancing themselves from that world, knowing the immense joy that childhood had brought to their lives.”

-Paulo Coelho (Brida)

“Why were girls in such a hurry to grow up? Agatha would never understand. Childhood was magical. Leaving it behind was a magnificent loss.”

-Sarah Addison Allen (The Peach Keeper)

“I think all of us are always five years old in the presence and absence of our parents.”

-Sherman Alexie (The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian)

“Childhood is the most valuable thing that’s taken away from you in life, if you think about it.”

-Heather O’Neil (Lullabies for Little Criminals)

“Never stop being a kid, Richard. Never stop feeling and seeing and being excited with great things like air and engines and sounds of sunlight within you. Wear your little mask if you must to protect you from the world but if you let that kid disappear you are grown up and you are dead.”

-Richard Bach (Nothing By Chance)

—————

Sometimes, there comes a point in your life when you just look back and realize how much you miss being a child. All those little joys, the easy problems, the freedom. Sometimes, you just hope you can go back and savor the time a little bit longer. Because growing up isn’t easy. Life gets too serious and the challenges get more difficult to bear. And at this point, you just want to escape.

Warning: Brain about to explode.

When you are forced to study everyday for every subject, you’ll eventually get tired of the whole routine. I feel it now. With quizzes everyday and written reports every week, who wouldn’t feel exhausted? Everything is just so habitual that I am so bored with the things I’m doing in school. Yes, I get that it is necessary, given the course I chose, but sometimes I wish I could rest even just for a week. I badly need more sleep in my system. I feel like my brain is already overused. There are so many information in my head, especially this week since it’s our prelim exam week. I just want this week to be over. I want to rest and stop reading these thickset of books. I miss the lightness of reading novels and fictional books.